Dear Chloe,

It’s softball season. I saw a post on Facebook (a thousand thank yous to Vanessa S. for all her posts!) where you smacked a home run right over center field. You rounded the bases and your teammates high-fived you into home! What a great moment for you! How your Unc and I would have loved to have been there in person supporting you! It’s been almost a year since we were “uninvited” to your events. It was a text message that I was never able to respond to. Plenty of things led up to this text, but, I never wanted to admit defeat. As in, giving up the chance to see you shine whether it was at basketball games, on the field, or even a birthday. I hoped if we only attended your games very occasionally it would be OK. This particular game, we brought your Grand Mimi. We gathered for a picture afterwards. It’s one of my treasures. Although neither of your parents were present, I guess it caused a problem. And, that, for me, is unacceptable. I don’t know your home life but I absolutely refuse to complicate things for you. Being a teenager is hard enough. Being the only step-daughter is likely its own challenge. Unc and I have considered (many times!) going to watch our other friends kids who just-so-happen to be playing on or against your teams… but, what stops me is that there are likely consequences beyond what I see. I want you to know we are loving you and supporting you and watching your videos from right here. I know you can’t feel it or know it, but you are the closest thing we ever had to “ours”. I was there when you were born. Way back when you were first named Heaven Alize’. Your mom was so ready for you to arrive! She had called me and asked if I would be in the room for your arrival. Of course, I agreed. It took all day but you finally got here and it was love at first sight! Letting your mom take you home to where she was living was incredibly hard. I had told Macy from an early age “One of these days, you are going to want something different, and when that time comes, you have a place with us.” Well, it didn’t take long. You were just 3 months old when your Mom called and asked if we still had a room for her. I said yes and she was ready right then and there to drive to Snyder. I said “well, let’s date before we get married” and we agreed to have a couple of weekend trial runs before you both moved in for good. We did and things went well enough. And within a few weeks we drove to San Angelo and loaded you up and our home became your home, too. Unc and I didn’t know how to do all the things you do with a 19 year old and a 3 month old, but we learned together. Your mom had a job but didn’t want you in daycare when you were really little. She mostly worked night shift but there were still lots of times you got to go to work with us. Unc had you when your mom was working and I was teaching classes and he swears to this day you would save your BlG dirty diaper changes for him! We joked that you had 3 parents and still outnumbered us. I loved making your first foods and freezing little portions so you would have healthy foods, easily. Macy was so young and we just learned things together, as a family. We had so much fun and a lot less sleep during the time you and your Mom lived with us. Mimi and Pop, your great-grandparents, would come to visit and we would take turns playing with you and just being charmed by your sweet self. You were always completely fearless! Whether jumping off something high into our arms, playing in the little baby pool on hot days, or putting your whole fist into Pudge or Paisley’s (our bulldogs) mouths to share your snacks, you just knew nothing bad would happen. I remember when you first started to have a few words and you called all 3 of us “Mama” depending on who was around. We watched Puss in Boots and Tangled so many times that I still remember the words to the songs. There was one little part where you danced and copied the actions on the screen and I couldn’t figure out what you were doing, but you were so consistent and always did the exact same thing… until your Mom told me the dance move was “cat in the litter box!” It all made perfect sense after that. There was one really scary time. You were about 5 months old and just starting to move around. You had begun to sleep in the bed with your mom and not in the crib. I was in the kitchen making breakfast – it was 5:45am. I heard this *BOOM* and your mom started screaming. You had fallen off the bed and hit the floor with your head. We all heard it. You cried and she cried and we cried and you got a big goose egg on your forehead where you had hit. It took about 5 minutes to settle you (and us) down and we debated on taking you to the ER. In the end, Macy was comfortable watching you closely and once you got over the initial shock, you ate and laughed and played like normal. Your body functions were working but it took almost a week for that big bump to go down. We observed you for any trouble and you just bounced back like a champ. It was extra scary because we had concrete floors with no rugs. That very day, your Mom had us take that tall bed out and you and she slept on a mattress on the floor until you moved out. We even laid the mattress on a big comforter just in case you fell off that. It could have been a bad injury – but, we were lucky. We had a lot of fun and trips to the park and we even gathered up your Uncle Jake and all made a big trip to Montana to go see Mimi and Pop while they were living near Yellowstone one summer. It was a really special time. Then your Mom decided to move out and experience independence. I wasn’t sure y’all were ready but she made it work! Fortunately, the apartment she chose was right down the street so you still came for dinner most evenings. On the pretty days, we would eat outside on the patio and then you’d ride your tricycle around the table and nobody cared who dropped what, because the dogs or the wind took care of it. You loved quinoa and any vegetable, anything really, that I cooked! What baby likes quinoa? (Your mom always wanted quesadillas, btw!) When we would walk you out to the car, we always pointed out the moon. Oh how we all mooned over the moon. And we would start towards the door and you would remember you needed your “VITES”, these little gummy vitamins we had for you. We might forget but you never did! Not once. So, then you got Chandler, the beta fish. That poor fish, named for the funny guy on Friends. He had a little cloudy bowl and I would tell Macy “you gotta clean his water” and she’d say “I know” and I never thought he’d survive long. One day my phone rang and it was YOU! You had never called me before and I didn’t know you knew how, but you did and you said “AnDee! Come quick! Chandler’s bleeding!” I grabbed Unc and we ran down the street to your door. Your mom had Chandler in a cup with an inch or two of water and he did indeed have a cut of sorts on his side. As I remember it, you were trying to get to him, climbed up on a shelf, which toppled over and fell to the floor and his bowl broke. Your mom got him into some water and you called us. I thought it was over for Chandler Bing. But, no! Your mom sent him home with me and he lived a good, long fishy life and you always enjoyed seeing him when you came over.

Then, you started T-ball! You were a little bit shy of the cutoff age but your mom got permission for you to play. We came and watched you play and you were so little. The batting helmet bounced around on your head when you ran. When you would run to first, you ran comically slow! I’ll never forget how much fun we had at those games. And you took gymnastics for a bit. It came time for your big recital and we came and clapped. When the show was over, all the kids came to the front of the stage and received flowers from their families. Uh oh! We didn’t know you were supposed to bring flowers! We knew about the costumes, the dress rehearsal and all the other parts. You did not care. You were not coming off that stage. You crossed your arms and wouldn’t even LOOK at us! I don’t remember who took pity on us, but some generous soul gave us a rose from their bouquet and we gave it to you. You forgave us and the party continued. It was just the best! When you are grown and watching littles you love, you will understand, too.

During your early years, your mom was busy. She was working and taking classes at WTC and was making so many good life choices. She upgraded her job from Stripes to working as a bank teller, and got her Associate’s degree. We were (and still are!) so proud of her. It was around this time she met Rey. They started off as work friends and we were thrilled for her to have found a nice man. They began spending more and more time together and we supported this. We had encouraged your mom to have friends her own age. I kept telling her “you don’t need to be hanging around your old aunt all the time!” We loved having both of you in our lives but knew she needed some peers. Anyway… as things progressed we noticed that we didn’t seem to be included in your lives anymore. I was invited to attend her wedding dress selection but any and all other wedding decisions were made without our input. Visits became rare and the closeness we once had seemed to disappear. It was very puzzling and, honestly, upsetting. Unc and I spent many hours discussing what we might have done to offend your mom or Rey. So, the wedding happened and although we were invited, we weren’t participants in any traditional family roles, despite the fact that I had called in a favor with friend to use her venue for the ceremony. You were so precious at the wedding. Papa Sack (Unc’s Dad) came with us and he was overjoyed to see you – because you had become very special to both him and Granny Ann. Your Grandmimi, Pop, Aunt Emily from Ohio and Uncle Jake all came to the wedding. We all attended the ceremony but were not included in any pre- or post-wedding events. None of us understood why your mom’s side of the family seemed to be shunned. After that, we just let you three have your life as it seemed to be preferred. We tried attending a couple of birthday parties or events Rey’s family would have in the park, but it was obvious we were not wanted. Invitations either didn’t come or were so last minute it seemed like we were an afterthought. I do need to make a notable exception…Rey’s Dad. He has always been welcoming and friendly to us. More recently, we’ve sat with him at basketball games while he’s us given the low-down on rivals, friendships and skills. One Sunday evening in July, your mom called and said you had all been in a wreck. It was near Wichita Falls and you were hurt the worst. You had bi-lateral pelvic fractures. Your mom had a broken leg and was hospitalized nearby. She had some complications and they were concerned about Koby as she was fairly early in her pregnancy with your brother. You had been flown to Oklahoma City due to the severity of your injuries. Rey’s dad was hospitalized, too. When Macy called, I asked her if she wanted me to come. She said no, as there was really nothing I could do. My instinct was to jump in the car and make sure you and she were OK, but, I decided to respect her request. I thanked her for letting us know and asked her to keep us updated. The next morning was a Monday and we had been at work for less than an hour. Your mom called and asked me if I was coming. I said, “no, Honey, you said not to” and she started to cry and said she needed me to come and be with you in Oklahoma. I said of course I would. I hung up and walked into where Unc was working on a patient and told him I needed to go. He understood. I left the office and packed a few things and left for Oklahoma. On the way, I spoke to Macy and we agreed that I would come first to Wichita Falls and put eyes on her, pick up Rey and then drive him to the children’s hospital where you were. I made it to your mom before noon and, thankfully, she was alert and awake, but our big concern was that you were by yourself and hurt. Rey and I visited on the way. I don’t remember a terrible lot about our conversation except him asking me what I told Daniel about needing to leave. I told him “I just said I had to go”. We got to you within a couple of hours and you were pretty banged up. Your Grandmimi and Pop were also driving in from Montana to be what help they could, but it would be later that evening before they arrived. I have the sweetest picture of you all bruised up in the hospital bed and Pop is with you and you are giving us a giant grin and a thumbs up. But, I won’t lie, it was frightening to have you in that shape. You, however, were remarkable! You got better every day. Early on, you would have terrible pain spells and they had to give you more and more medication to bring it down. You’d be good for a bit, then the muscle relaxers and pain pills would start to wear off and once that pain hit, it would be a trial to bring it back under control. I was so grateful to be there with you but you were suffering with all your injuries. It is one of the most helpless feelings in the world to have someone you love in pain and nothing you can do. We kept the nurses on schedule with the meds and once we figured out what brought relief, we stayed right on top of it. They released you on a Thursday and your Pop and I spent that morning running around Oklahoma City gathering your car seat, a walker and all the things you needed to make going home accessible. You went home with your family and I went home and the next day, we (Mimi, Pop, Unc & I) came out to your house with food but felt like we were intruding. There hasn’t been a single episode (besides the text) that said literally “you are not welcome” but you know the feeling of not being wanted. It’s very clear and uncomfortable. We have sat through that feeling just to watch you play but my main concern is how it complicates things for you at home.

I do not have any answers for why things are the way they are. Distant. It’s not been our preference although we have maintained space in an effort to be as respectful as possible. It has hurt my heart to not get to see you be honored for scoring 1000 points in basketball by your sophomore year. It is crazy that I have to pirate pictures off Facebook to see your milestones. When someone posts a pic of you, I capture it and share it with your Mimi. Unc is good about finding videos on the high school sports sites and sharing those with us. I know you can’t feel it, but I want you to know that we do love you, immensely! We are so so proud of you and would love to get to show up and be cheering for you in person. If we have been offensive (or something) I would love the chance to apologize and make things right. It feels sad and empty to not get to participate in these years of your life. I do hold out some hope that when you are older and more independent, we might could have as much of a relationship as you are willing. Until then, please know that we are right over here, loving you and praying for you and wanting only the best that this life has to offer.

From 10 miles away,

AnDee